Crtd 12-04-23  Lastedit 15-10-27

Roland and me will go for a 2 week sailing trip on the East Sea this summer. We hired a 15 meter yacht. I sailed since I was born (surely even before), but in the 21st century a sailor requires guess what....certificates, of course. So I thought, let me get certified (yachtmaster, radio, radar and all the shit you have). After all I'm retired.

First question: where? I opted for the UK, because in autumn 1688 the Netherlands navy conquered England and put our stadholder William III on the English throne. Though the build up had been at unlikely speed, the English navy knew the attack was about and failed to see that at the moment wind would turn from West ("catholic wind") to East ("protestant wind"), they should be at our side of the North Sea and not be sitting drinking and get locked up by the East in their own island harbours. The English should have learned from that painful incident and have become good sailors, they had over three centuries by now.

So I googled and found the Royal Yacht association, a body itself certified (!) to teach and issue certificates.

...For all ages, abilities and goals...looks good...

In 1688 there were regulations and certificates, you bet! But at the time one was interested in protecting ships rather than lives. Doesn't matter, that's simply where your hobbies lie: do you want to get rich and powerful (like the Chinese nowadays) or do you want, as in the EU to get as many people on earth as you can ("to pay our pensions in the future") and keep them alive as long as possible ("human rights")?

I probably should NOT have started with the course "Professional Practice and Responsibilities" (PPR). But the marine rules and regulations in the 21^st century seemed to me the only issue that would cost me some time. So I decided to put it front.

First of all, part of the course was not about regulations at all, its questions being like (multiple choice answering, questions severely shortened by me to give the gist): what if on a chartered power boat trip a lady starts choking, and you are the skipper?...."Turn the boat around and head back, on the return journey give the passengers a bit of a thrill ride, so at least they will have had a good time" INCORRECT! "Slow down, and consider shortening the trip" CORRECT. What if on a chartered wildlife trip the dolphins are further out than expected, the weather gets worse, but passengers want to approach? Correct answer: d. Call your operations manager. Did I misunderstand the courses' advertisement phrase "for all ages, abilities and goals"?

Why have a lady choke in the "consider shortening the trip" question? Well...on the web site they seem to have a soundly politically correct majority in the RYA board...

Well things got different when I came to rules and regulations: I expected that most rules would have been cancelled in the past two decades since after all now we have all these safety gadgets.  But no no no! Paradise for regulators! Who should have which gadgets? And new ones coming on the market every day! And we need international conferences to agree about the acronyms: EPIRB, SAR, MSN, MGN, MIN, NM, SCV, AEC, ML5, ENG1, Cospas SARSAT (Russians lobbied hard and got a majority in the committee: Cospas is acronym for Cosmicheskaya Sistema Poiska Avariynyh Sudov), SOLAS, MARPOL, COLREG....

"When, UK skipper of a UK vessel [and this assessment concerns small vessels, like pleasure boats, under 24 m] you run aground at the Spanish coast, weather gets worse, you have your people in the life boat for a while but get loose at rising tide and continue, do you have to report this to the UK MAIB (Marine Accident Investigation Bureau)?" I could not possibly have imagined the right answer is yes, since before I could even talk we were running aground in the North Netherlands estuaries at the mainland side of the islands to have fun on the sand banks during low tide. But the answer is yes. I accidentally learned that MAIB changed address to a bigger building.

And when you sail with 8 people on a 10 person certified vessel (of type so and such licensed sea category lick your ass) you need 12 inflatable life jackets cause you could have gone with 10 and you need 2 spares (some can inflate accidentally).

The COSWOP (Code of Safe Working Practices for Merchant Seamen) of the MCA (Marine Coast Guard Agency) is 241 pages long. COSWOP 22.16.11: "Jewellery, watches and rings etc should be removed when working on batteries. A short circuit through any of these items will heat it rapidly and may cause a severe skin burn. If rings cannot be removed, they should be heavily taped in insulating material. etc. etc. etc." (do not worry, a 241 p. COSWOP for all UK car drivers - 861 p. for electrical car drivers - is in draft).

COSWOP 8.2.2: "Smoking regulations should be strictly observed" (AHA so the other regulations can be safely ignored!!)

Another interesting Article of Rules is MGN 280 (M) 4.1.3. It says "Sections 4.1.3.1. and 4.1.3.2. apply to a vessel referred to in section 4.1.2."

For certification of ships and crew essentially 4 sea categories are distinguished bordered by the limits of 150, 60 and 20 miles off shore. Ships', skippers' etc. certificates license up to sea category limits. Regulated radio requirements have 4 sea categories as well: VHF: 20-30 miles, MF: 100 miles, marine satellite range, and outside. Naturally, the radio sea areas have slightly circular contours round coastal stations. With 4 certification areas and 4 radio areas there are 16 compound areas. On your Antarctic zodiac you may strictly be a skipper certified Sea category 1 (nearest to shore) with radio equipment requirements sea area 4 (most remote from wireless communication), etc. Know where you are!! Of course the radio limits are real so should be adopted by the other regulations, the category limits of which are the mere sodden brain products of regulators. Whatever, the official UK marine radio requirements gave me a nice view on the history of seafaring. Yes history, we are already quite some years past the end of radio:

Iridium provides complete coverage of all ocean areas, air routes and all landmasses - even the Poles. Iridium delivers essential services to users who need communications access to and from remote areas where no other form of communication is available. Select from our range of Iridium satellite phone rental or Iridium satellite phone purchase solutions, and we will deliver a ready-to-use handheld IRIDIUM Satellite Phone kit to you overnight

The first network of 66 Iridium satellites was launched 1997/8, so it is thought time to replace this very old system for which launching will start soon. Meanwhile, marine regulators think we still should be on radio and INMARSAT.

"MOONBEAM is a 42ft motor cruiser based in Stevenstown and typically undertakes corporate entertainment work. Moonbeam does not have fire pumps fitted. Does this meet the requirements of the Small Commercial Vessel and Pilot Boat Code? a. Yes, provided they only sail in daylight hours b. No, it must have a fire pump c. Yes d. No, the aft and forward cabins require two 5A/34B extinguishers. My answer: b. CORRECT: c. Fuck! I missed an escape clause deep in MGN 280 15.4.:

MGN 280 15.4 Vessels Less than 15 metres in Length and Carrying 15 or Less Persons, not covered by Sections 15.2 or 15.3 15.4.1 One hand fire pump (outside engine space)* or one power driven fire pump (outside engine space)*, with sea and hose connections, capable of delivering one jet of water to any part of the ship through hose and nozzle. One fire hose of adequate length with 10mm nozzle and suitable spray nozzle or one multi-purpose fire extinguisher to a recognised standard, see Standards Annex 13, with minimum fire rating of 13A/113B or smaller extinguishers giving the equivalent fire rating (in addition to that required below).

But if Moonbeam saved money on this gadget by having crew dig this deep in the Small Commercial Vessel and Pilot Boat Code, they surely would have lost less by simply mounting the bloody fire pump, they're cheap and fun at corporate parties.

The silliest I kept to finish: "Which one of the following categories of risk matches the definition 'Consideration should be given as to whether the risk can be lowered...'?  a. High b. Medium c. Low d. Very low". Correct is b. Consideration should be given ... This can be read in "risk assessment", by far the most imbecile chapter of COSWOP - and that is not easy to be, ending with the immortal words: COSWOP ANNEX 1.1. 4.3. "individuals can adapt the structure of table 1 to reflect their objectives", which I suggest should be "drastic marine risk reduction by swiftly keel raking the author of this chapter".

Meanwhile Mlawatu turned home limping. Seriously bitten.

..Through Mlawatus bite wound you could almost see his other side..

No doubt the biter exerted his due animal rights, but how about the animal rights of the bitee? I asked myself, inspired by my studies of laws and regulations. It took Mlawatu three days to resume normal jumping. Not bad, a human would spend a few months with such a bite, even with plenty compensation in terms of mince meat. Was it imagination? I got the impression the first good jumps were when he thought I did not see him. Hope he won't understand my regulations well enough (just to make you think of the stupefying effect of regulations in general) to go for another bite if mince meat supply delays.

A few days later I saw a young 1 metre monitor lizzard ^{[see an adult right behind my ship]} gently walking with the guinea fowls, as if he were part of the pack. My attempts to take his picture prompted him to approach my mobile possessions:

 ...Mlawatu lost this time but he can have him!...

After failing and analyzing the assessment I concluded it is a matter of sailor's honour not to be found dead nearer than 150 sea miles from the nearest PPR certificate and discontinued the course. But see the CCRYADPPRAIVOFMOLAS (COSWOP-Certified RYA draft PPR assessment in view of further modernization of Life At Sea), we drew up in our harbour.
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It has been brought to my attention that I may be taken by some to pose as a Dutchman ridiculing UK marine regulation. But how could I, the Dutch are worse.