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Some Of My Standoffs with Corrupt East African Public Officers and Their Cronies, and
the development and refinement of the
Ideal African Public Officer Flic Flac (IAPOFF).

1. Photo Standoff Kisumu
In Kisumu, Kenya, I once took a digital video shot of a street crossing. It was not long after the Al Qaeda attacks in Nairobi. An officer approached me and told me I had taken a picture of the building which was an offence.
I told him I had not done so.
I should wait, he would collect his boss. I went the other way around his building, which turned out to be the Kisumu Central Bank Office, and found a soldier. I told him I had encountered a probably dangerous man who had been asking me suspect questions. Meanwhile my man had collected his boss. His boss was higher than my soldier. He repeated his accusation I had taken a picture of the building. So, we went to check the video shot in my camera. Of course, it only showed the crossing. But the video technology raised interest. The boss of the boss came to see the video. Then even that man's boss reported to see the digital video. We got into a lively conversation. I asked whether we might expect a visit of his boss, the banks president, in case I would be delighted to demonstrate my digital video. They  pointed the gold bar store. Not a dangerous act since the Kenyan government never has gold, always lives on credit, and every single piece of hard currency is stolen by government officials and deposited on private accounts at Swiss banks. The huge bank building does not even harbour a printing press for the money. The paper money is printed in The Netherlands. But they have a gold bar store: empty.
Now, I say, this man is in trouble: he claimed I took a picture of the building. He lied.
No, you should forgive him, everybody agreed. After all, in one corner there indeed had been some barbed wire pertaining to the building.
I forgave my little thug, shook his hand, and embraced him.
Laughter.
This is how I discovered embracement as the proper ending of  the Ideal African Public Officer Flic Flac (IAPOFF)..

2. "Lifti" Standoff Kenya Police The importance of raising exactly five issues.

3. Kenya Border Standoff Busia At the East African borders there is a plague of self styled "clearing agents" who bribed their way in the customs compound. They just line up where you are supposed to do and fill in your form. If they are good they might lower the bribe customs officers charge you with if you want to reduce your border passing fees. Most of them are just useless. On arrival, sitting in my car, collecting my papers for clearance, I told one of the thugs I did not need him. He thug A put himself behind me to read my papers. I told A to keep a four meter distance. He refused. He was standing next to his own car, he said (a lie) and he had the right to be there. Meanwhile his colleague B, sitting on a bar, laughed at me and said: you are funny!
After I had my papers together, I left my car, papers left, right hand free. A retreated bit. Just too far to reach. Meanwhile B passed me in the opposite direction:

Picture: Successful knock down

I turned 3/4 circle counterclockwise hitting a hook on B with my free left fist. A ran and hid behind B, which had some sense: B was downed but quickly raised. A had bad luck: B fled.
I walked to the customs officers to report thugs around my car. A had been smart enough not to go on the run but nevertheless was arrested by police. They promised me to hold him until I had crossed the border. Apparently the crony was too profitable to be deported. What is his name? I asked the police. His father turned out to have called him after the father of Jezus: Joseph.
Meanwhile B had climbed a tree branch in the far distance from which he shouted aggressive threats to me. I waved. After a week, I still felt the finger bone that hit B, with great satisfaction, imaging B to still to scratch his chin at the same time.

4. Seat Belt Standoff (Kampala 2005)
In Kampala City a police pickup passes me. I am indicated to stop. One of the four policemen gets off and comes to me. The others remain seated. You do not wear your seat belts Sir. That is an offense.
Sorry.
I can forgive you.
Thank you. I make gestures to continue my way.
Two crates of soda.
You are corrupt! He asked me two crates of soda! I should have you arrested! I leave my car go the the police pickup. I tell the seemingly oldest officer: you should arrest this man! He is corrupt!
Indeed he is the commander, but he is not impressed: we shall take you to the office!
Meanwhile, the loudness of my "corrupt" and "two crates of soda" had gathered a modest crowd that was rapidly increasing. I decided to continue audible over a wide range: to the office? That is OK. Either you fine me or you do not fine me, but you are not going to ask me for two crates of soda!!! When we are going to the office - I shout to the commander - is this man - I point back over my shoulder - going to deny he asked me two crates of soda (crowd: over 100 now). The commander commands his inferior with an enacted angry face: mount the car. We shake hands. I let a lifter from the crowd in my car. We  overtake the police car and greet cordially. This is what religion is all about, my lifter says. He turns out to be a reverend. he tells me that he is on his way to church and will change his sermon to deal with the the way I treated this case according to the teachings of Jesus.

This event taught me, by luck, how to employ the crowd in a police stand off. They will always be on your side. You can accuse even the most sincere officer of corruption, an African crowd will always believe you and be on your side.

5. Customs Standoff Mwanza harbour see: Illegal, Mr. Fat

6. Seat belt Standoff 2 (Mwanza) Police stops me on tiny side road for not wearing seat belts. "That is an offence", the woman police officer says. "You will have to go to the police office to pay a fine".
I was in a hurry. "Thank you" I say, pretending not to have understood. I drive off with great speed. Do not use my car for two days. Never heard anymore about it.

7. Fish Harbour Parking Standoff (Mwanza). Near the fish harbour, I saw a flic bullying car drivers. I was already loading for the case he would try me. And yes he did: on a more than ten meter wide road, I was parked not perfectly parallel to the road side. He bounced on my window as if he wanted to break it. I went out, put my forehead against his, and shouted: YOU ARE CORRUPT!!!! The fish harbour area is very crowded. I just rode off, pointing at him shouting his number, displayed on his jacket: "9772, I will report you at your office, NOW!!!". And I left him to the laughing crowd.

8. Immigration standoff (Mwanza) (See arrested)

9. Pickup permit standoff (Mwanza 060126)
Mwanza flic stops my car in town and asks for Tanzanian car permit.
This is a Ugandan car Sir. Look at the number plate. This is the permit, here, at the window, we Ugandans have to glue our permit.
I want your Tanzanian permit.
I have a customs clearing Sir.
I want your Tanzanian permit.
You do not even know what papers to ask for. Get in my car, I 'll take you to your office.
The flic refuses. I open the door for him. Get in my car!!!!!! NOW!!!!
The crowd gathers. The flic wants to let me off the hook but it is to late. He is surrounded by over 5000 people.
Brown police (armed officers) arrives.
What is the matter.
This guy is corrupt, I say.
Do not worry, the commander says, take him to the office, we shall follow.
Now my flic is ready to enter my car. After all, I am now saving him from the crowd.
We drive off, under crowd cheering.
He tries to talk to me, but I say: I will talk to your boss. I will have you fired. You will loose your job.
Now my flic is in utmost distress.
The office.
What is the problem, the Chief Officer asks. His smile shows the case will not give him bad dreams.
Number 9441 is harassing me, Sir.
Why?
He is asking my Tanzanian car permit.
Do you have it?
No Sir.
Why don't you have it?
Because my car is Ugandan Sir.
Do you have a customs clearance?
Yes Sir, I offered the man to show him but he did not want it.
Can you show me?
Yes Sir, within 20 minutes.
No need. You can go.
I turn to 9441: I forgive you. I will forget it.
I shake his hand, then press him on my chest like a brother.
Chief Officer: it is not allowed to embarrass police officers in public.
We laugh loudly, shake hands and part.

This was the closest I thus far came to the ideal flic flac. My only error was to overdo the incitement of the crowd. Not only did I create a dangerous situation for the policeman, but since a larger part of the crowd will enter a beating before knowing who is the one to be hit, I might have caught an unlucky blow too, not to speak about the cost of repairing my pickup truck.

Helmet standoff (Mwanza 060127)
Police officer tries to get some money by stopping me on my motorcycle. They always try to look angry and dangerous, flap of cap low over eyes.
Just look more angry and more dangerous, have your flap of your cap even lower. What is your problem Sir? I ask from under my flap.
Where is your helmet? He asks from under his flap.
I put my head close to his and say: I drive in Mwanza for half a year every day, I have met over 300 policemen, and you are the first to ask me for my helmet.
I simply drive off. The part of his face visible under the flap shows resignation.

Helmet standoff 2, (Mwanza 060228)
Standoff Traffic Police Mwanza 060228. Officer M 209 warns me for not wearing helmet on motorcycle (helmet wearing by motor cyclists in Mwanza under 5%). Accidentally, a motor cyclist with helmet passes behind the back of my harassing police officer. I say: look! There's one with a helmet! The public laughs, he turns around and I spurt off. One hour later at the same place (of course I still wear no helmet) he stops me. Pulls key out of my motorcycle and claims to take me to the office. I start to set off with him. That surprises him. He expected me to find some money in my pockets to give him. He does not like the idea of going to the office with me on this issue. He gives the key to a colleague and orders him to go with me to the office. His colleague refuses the unthankful part. M 209 returns my keys.
Again, to his surprise, I head for the police office.
What are you going to do?
File a complaint against you 209.
I disappear in the street of the police office drive behind the building back to my road and continue my job.

Christmas visit of UCLA gunboat Drunken Ugandan soldiers behind Dutch machine guns want a little something

Mkono police goes for another raid on the dhow: "We are another district"

Rubondo Island Natural Reserve "Entree Fee" standoff: "If you do not pay we will treat you like a poacher"

Kahunda "Church people" stand off: my official papers "Somehow good, somehow not good"; about "conjugal friendships"

Entebbe, April 2010: Approaching Entebbe an armed convoy passes me at irresponsible speed flashing lights and sirens. Shortly after, a police car standing at the road side stops me. A young stupid puts himself at my window to tell me I will have "to go to the office" (his type of police has no fine forms) for "disrespect of out ministers". I should have stopped and parked at the road side while the convoy was passing me from the opposite side.
"Now my boy", I say calmly, "what you are doing is very dangerous, don't you understand, I have enough money to get you in jail before eight o'clock!".
The boy calls his boss. With some fear in his voice (mainly for his boss, I think), he says: "This man says he can get me in jail before eight o'clock"
"Yes, the boss, says after having seen me, that is because he is an investor. He is very good for our country, he is creating jobs for the people..."
"Thank you, Sir", I shake his hand, we both smile, "but let me go now, I have a meeting with the president".
We say goodbye cordially.
[A police "team" usually sends out a young member to correct and blast him if things go "wrong". That guy is often totally unaware that offering, as an alternative to an official fine, to let the "offender" go for "tea" ("how much is tea", "20 000" - tea is 100...), is an act of corruption. They often clearly think this is totally normal.]

Mabira forest May 2010. Woman police stops me. Frowns.
"How are you Miss!!!", I ask in my cheerful but firm and loud voice.
"I am not happy with the way you are driving"
I had not done anything special, but with a white this approach might get you some money.
"What is that", she suddenly asks, seeing my Masaai club on my dash board (next to a lead pipe).
"That is to beat stubborn police", I say, very sweet.
She pretends for a while to be occupied with the case of a car held by her colleague next to her.
"Well Miss, am I OK? I am on my way you know"
"You go". she says, eyes off.