Released On Bond
(Section 17(3) Pro. Code)

Meanwhile we had Somali bombings in Kampala, police and army powers have been stepped up and they enjoy. Police now use hazard lights and sirens even when they go for a pee. Police convoys with VIP's pass 50 km/hrs road sections with 120, and when you're not too quick off the bloody road to make way you can pay your fine "for disrespect of the minister". It is a total party. 5000 new recruits are sought for the "defense against terrorism" - where does that money suddenly come from? - so the public will soon commit thousands more offenses and pay thousands more bribes every day. Will this process end before all Ugandans wear gun and uniform? Ministers controlling new and old "defenders" make ministers and parliament members not doing so shit in their pants, a coming reestablishment of Uganda's old military dictatorship does well in the bookmaker's. Can it be? Uganda? With the biggest UN base of Africa? With the largest Western money river flowing in the economy? Yes it can! The foreign diplomats controlling the process of donations, aid and "stimulating good governance" see their detachments as a temporary insult before they get a better one in a civilized country and limit themselves to shielding for the wind until they get that, and if they don't, it is because they are totally useless assholes anyway. Meanwhile they spend the "aid"-money and make no fuss. And behind a beer they all tell each other: the nigger could not do any better anyway, brains being simply too small. But oh, we all know what to say when we see a microphone.

From Jinja I returned in Kampala direction to stop for a game of golf at Mehta Golf Course. Some 9 km's after crossing the Nile police was radar checking traffic speed coming from the other side, and hence standing on the opposite side of the road with their backs to my approaching car. The European community donated some speed radars ruled out of European courts for flaws and inaccuracies. They are cherished police gadgets here, but the problem for police is to find road sections of a quality good enough for cars to be able to surpass speed limits. In Uganda you typically struggle through potholes at 20 km/hrs while every now and then passing a sign post: speed limit 80. But police has found the three or four places in the whole of Uganda where you can. A famous one is when you reach Entebbe from the airport. To make a decent impression on visiting heads of state, the airport sports a four lane road with crash-barrier! That ends in Entebbe where the speed limit is 50. And traffic from the airport sports a high density of whites! To boost income, road police has the 50 limit sign at 2 km before the actual first huts of Entebbe. On an average day 20 police stand there sharing three or four EU-donated obsolete radar speed detectors.
Another place, today I found, is Nakibizzi, road to Kampala, just West of Jinja. The local speed limit is fifty, the uninterrupted line of traffic drives 60. Police leaves in peace all normal smoking and groaning driving coffins, for the good reason that their drivers have no money at hand to offer bribes. The $200 000  donor sponsored 4-wheeldrives, tinted window Mercedes and CD cars also move freely. That is because the rich and influential can get a policeman in jail even if he is totally innocent. The best catch for police is a private white: money at hand for a bribe!
Though I am the ideal target there was a problem. They were actually standing at the other side, looking away from me, radar-scanning the traffic of the opposing direction. But policeman number 30785 (it's on his shirt in big letters) over his shoulder following a car he just scanned, saw me, jumped to the middle of my opposing lane, excited by the sight of the muzungu, unsettling traffic from both sides by his sudden jump, and directed me with the widest of gestures to the road side. Then crossed the road and thought he would make a sound intimidation by showing me the number 62 he just caught on his radar. 30785 asked me for my driving license (a sealed credit card size paper in Uganda) and was disturbed I only wanted to let him read it from my hand. He "had to touch it" he claimed, to check if it was real (the real reason is that they think they have you when they managed to pocket it). He did not get it. As for the radar reading 62 km/hrs I told him how he acquired that number, and that this would be a case for his boss if he would stay stubborn. I invited him to step in my car and go to his boss to further discuss this matter. Unfortunately he had not enough brains to feel vulnerable and stepped in. I wrote the number of one of the two colleagues of his team, but the third one, who got the radar, held it nervously in front of her number, so I had to tell her that if I have two of the three numbers Jinja Police Office will know the third. I return with 30785 to the Jinja Police Office.

Back at the Nile he asked me to stop. I said I wouldn't and would bring him straight to the office. He phoned, got no reply, then quasi-inadvertently showed me a pistol in the left inside pocket if his white jacket. He got a call when we were near the office said on the phone "he had wanted to ask for reinforcement but this was no longer necessary". I laughed: "What would you have told to the reinforcement, that this culprit is taking you to the police office against your will?".

Boss office. But no boss. We wait together, I am sitting in a chair, he first starts to write a fine form, then is standing in the door nervously searching the police yard. His hands are now decently trembling. Still no boss. The tension becomes to much for him. He takes me to the Regional Police Commander (RPC). Another trick for me in this card game. Both our attitudes change. I become a friendly and obviously reasonable and very dignified muzungu, he shrinks down in saluting and very respectfully presenting himself. Obviously, whatever I'd done, the RPC is not pleased with 30785's initiative to make this joint visit to his office. 30785 now claims I was overtaking illegally. His fine form stating this is on the table. "He was showing me an over-limit speed reading from the opposite side of the road, about this overtaking I now hear for the first time", I tell RPC.
"Where did you write this fine form?" RPC asked 30785.
30785 hesitates. "He just wrote it in his boss' office, opposite side of your court yard", I said.
30785 mumbles but does not deny.
News coming in: 30785's boss is back in his office. RPC obviously relegates the issue back there.

We go. The Ugandan boss wears a rather Portuguese name sign ...Angeira D. Quinto. 30785 now claims I made a speed offense only. I: "30785, please tell your boss what you just told the RPC". 30785 changes the subject: I have insulted him and misbehaved. I try again, to no avail. I, to Mr. Quinto: "You see? He is evading my question, why don't you ask him, may be it will make him answer". Mr. Quinto does not do so and says that I can file a court case.
"But Mr. Quinto....now I really start to pity 30785. What happens to him if the judge hears he told you I rode too fast and the RPC I was overtaking? And what if the judge finds out 30785 made  two different reports to different officials and this has not been made to shortcut at the office and comes out only in court? Poor 30785 will loose his job!"
Mr. Quinto. is not impressed. I start to suspect 30785 is not very popular with his boss, and I am used by him to deal 30785 a nasty blow in court. 30785 himself, though hands trembling, does not seem to know a way back.

30785 is charged with making my "Release on Bond" document. Asked to sign, I now read that I am charged with both offences! Mr. Quinto: "No there is only one offence". He  cancels the one referring to overtaking. Now I am pretty sure. Mr. Quinto wants me to screw 30785 thoroughly and is helping me to do so. I sign my Release on Bond.

I file the court case. Mention as witnesses: 30785's colleague 36092 and "another colleague hiding her number behind the radar for fear of having to testify", the Regional Police Commander (!) to testify that 30785 wanted to fine me not for speed but for overtaking only, and 30785's boss Mr. Quinto to testify that 20 minutes later 30785 wanted to fine me for speed only and not for overtaking, where I hope that 30785's final intention on the  Release on Bond to charge me for both was prevented by Mr. Quinto canceling the charge for overtaking on that document (reproduced above).

I leave  Mr. Quinto's office to go to the RPC, who is still unaware he might be asked to witness in this court case, and the magistrate might feel offended if he hears the different stories told by 30785 to RPC and his boss were not subjected to short cut before filing the case, even though Mr. Quinto's - but not the RPC! - was aware of it. At my short summary RPC was annoyed indeed, and called for Mr. Quinto. Now, among the three of us, some smiles about 30785 were no longer repressed by anybody. "What do we do?", RPC asked Quinto, "make your decision". RPC went back into his newspaper, Quinto thought deeply, I looked at the ceiling. Silence.
Quinto: "It has gone to court, but he could pay...".
"Well, of course I came here to help your office out of this problem but I hesitate to do so by paying for something I never did...". RPC and Quinto, smile. I continue: "But just tell me what is the best way out for all of us. If that's me going to court Friday, I 'll come". RPG looks at Quinto, Quinto thinks deeply. "Yes I think that is the best".
"OK, I'll come", I shake hands with the two gentlemen like friends I am going to do a favour and part.

How much chance I would be acquitted Friday? My rough estimate was: more than 60%, but, as I knew from my Tanzanian adventures, I might still end up in the mud and between the cockroaches of Jinja Police Office Prison. After all that is a service the EU pays for with billions of euros every year, not to speak of the generous donation of those obsolete speed radars. But it makes a nice web page, or not?

The promised "Friday Update":

On Thursday I headed to Jinja for the Friday Court Session. Just outside Kampala I was stopped by road police. "No bombs", I smiled. "We look for traffic offenses Sir". Meanwhile he was invisible for a moment by a thick black smoke. A truck passed without ostensible remains of piston rings. No traffic offense? No traffic offense. Behind the truck passed the Teso Coach, a 600 km bus line, totally devoid of anything like a front window, passengers coughing in the black smoke of the preceding truck. "Can I have your driving permit?". I gave him one of my copies. It was OK. Could I take him?, he asked. He had to go my way. "Please come in, I like to host you. As long as you are with me I can drive and will not be stopped by every road police like they are used to do". "Yes Sir, it is your tarpaulin. They ask themselves what cargo you are carrying". I refrained from asking this kind policeman what cargo has to do with traffic offenses, but I felt vaguely that valuable cargo is taken as indicating money for bribes in the driver's pocket. Where he requested to be dropped he asked me whether I had any money on me to buy him some water. I offered him a bottle of water. He kindly refused! I continued driving short behind a big truck to avoid being spotted and stopped. Road side police  forms one long guard of honour al the 80 km from Kampala to Jinja, both sides of the road. Bribes, bribes, bribes. On a climbing lane, popular among road police for the low speed of the moaning trucks, the one I shielded myself with was stopped for inspection, which brought the entire creeping and roaring traffic line on the climbing lane to a halt. Road safety! I decided to pass, quickly closed in on another truck, and safely arrived in Jinja.

Friday 10:00 hrs. Police Office.
"Mr. Quinto" in which room is the court case?".
"Court Case? You have misunderstood, we have send the case for legal advice".
"But I thought we could not withdraw the case because it was in court?"
"No our legal adviser will tell us whether to pursue it. Come back Monday".
"Mr. Quinto, I am moving around in Uganda, may be I could call you Monday".
"That's no problem".
I get his number. "So the Police Attorney will probably advise Police not to file the case for court?"
"...huhh....I do not know what he is going to say".
"What is you personal idea?"
"Well, you see, for us this is a minor issue"
"Yes, and a court case would bring 30785 in serious difficulties: he was fearing so much that he told different stories to RPC and you. . To be honest, I pity the man. I would not want to get forced to hit him hard" [NOTE: to say "to be honest", just before your worst lie I learnt from BBC world service interviews. There the fashion started with a talented press chief of Pres. Bush a few years ago, and subsequently got so eagerly adopted by second and third rate rascals that the world media's top crooks now have abandoned it. But I thought it could still work with Mr. Quinto]
"For us, it is better to settle it here".
"Thank you Mr. Quinto, I' call you Monday"

So, the Uganda "Police"&"Justice"-pinball machine now seems firmly tilted my way. Frankly, I fear we shall lack an exciting end to this story. Usually Monday becomes Friday again, then Friday becomes Monday. Papers uninteresting both to the ones on whose desk they landed and to the official friends pushing them on if they see a profit, crumble and oxidate on shelves, frequently get lost. But, I should repeat, my Tanzanian adventures tell me I still might still end up in the mud and between the cockroaches of Jinja Police Office Prison. In African pinball nobody is safe for police who does not regularly pay, whatever you 've done or did not do. Stay friends! After all it's little money and EU backs you up with billions, not to speak of the generous donation of those EU-illegal speed radars. And it makes an amusing web page, or not?