PHiLES home golf home Bert Tells What He Reads Greetings Home

The General Theory of golf Handicap

Imagine there would be handicaps in marathon running (serious runners need just over 2 hours). 200 000 people start. Five hours later, after everybody finished, comes the announcement: the winner is....Peter Jones from Iowa. Peter ran his last five races in 4:50 hrs on average and today made it in 3:59. Nobody improved that much on his past average performance. Why don't we have a handicap based on past performance in running? Because, unlike in golf, in running it does not keep competitors together to socialize? Or so we sometimes hear. In running this could be achieved by making sidewalks rolling at speeds compensating the speed differences between competitors according to past performance. Peter Jones would actually finish first on his rolling side walk, and would even be able to talk with the fast guys about feeling that awesome wind though his hair!
But introducing a handicap system is not always meant to keep competitors together. In competition sailing, boats get far apart indeed. There is an objective handicap. If you have the biggest sail, and the longest, lightest ship, you have to be some percentage under the time the slower ships need to finish. Again, you may well have to wait long for Peter Jones from Iowa to finish with his heavy, short, under-rigged wreck, but at least you do not have to worry that Peter sailed badly last year, but now bought new binoculars. The sailing handicap, unlike the golf handicap is NOT on past performance. It is objective. This, I hope will set the stage for a closer analysis of an objective alternative to the past performance golf handicap system (if the bogus nature of past performance handicap system is yet to be further expounded, the reader may wish to refer to a past performance handicap exercise story).

Principles (I would say) of an objective golf handicap system

An objective golf handicap corrects only for features beyond your control, not for past performance. It should correct for

• age (a U-curve)

• shoulder height

• eye sight (unambiguous tests available)

• strokes per week (to keep busy people competitive against the notorious low handicap golf course idlers)

• your golf budget: every January 1^st your stuff is valued and you specify the budget you  will maximally spend on golf - excluding bar expenses - this year. A high sum reduces your handicap. You sign to accept opening of your locker by the relevant officials, at any time, visits to your holiday address and midnight raids on your home)

NOT going in the formula:

• intelligence (none required)

• muscular strength index (don't complain, go to the gym!)

• sex (A. if you don't like yours, have it changed. This is no golf issue. B. sex may differentiate golf performance, but so do thousands of other things, hence removal of ladies tee boxes. Structural performance differences can be solved with handicaps only, so no need for any special class, be it disabled, young, old, small, tall or female, to physically distance themselves from the lot at tee off and start gossiping about the others).

One can further refine (after all, talent is unchangeable and thus should be corrected for...??) but please note that the mathematically PERFECT objective handicap system incorporates ALL unchangeable differences between any two people and will include learning skills, your genetic makeup as far as determining how far you can develop your muscles and refine your motor nerves, age of first golf game, intensity of past golf training, condition of the course and weather in every single game, personal health condition at every single shot, whether your daughter just told you she has her first boy friend, etc. etc. ad infinitum, and thus such a PERFECT objective handicap system by definition would leave NO more features that people could exercise or influence. All games would always be (net) draws! Hence

In sum: pure logic proves any handicap system bogus in all circumstances. Sorry, a stroke is just a stroke. But fun? Sure, even though I'm not so good, I like to share chances in the rankings and prize-givings with my more able club members!